I Have Stage-4 Endo and I’m Scared to Date

Photo by Honey Yanibel Minaya Cruz on Unsplash

Triggered by the discovery that years of “kundalini hot flashes” were the onslaught of premature menopause the entire time, it’s like my physical womb never stood a chance.

According to science, this makes me unmarketable in today’s dating pool. Particularly for those who see having these child-bearing hips as useless.

Of course, being an adopted or foster parent is an option; though there’s still part of me that knows how men covet their “seed” being sown into fertile ground.

Offspring aside, I think of the ways having endometriosis keeps me disconnected from my body and how it wants to experience pleasure.

Just when I think I figured it out, this disease hits me with a pivot that’s hard to follow. The inconsistent weight gains and losses. Mood dips coupled with chaotic hormones and emotions. Lack of motivation and creative blocks.

The unpredictable ebbs and flows signal apprehension and I catch myself pushing people away. Designing excuses and scripts centered on a faux lack of desirability.

Those lucky enough to break through any proverbial walls seem to do just enough to solicit a good fuck with a fast nut. This leads to making the proverbial walls, and myself, harder to navigate despite my longing for deep human connection.